Disturbing news from Cambridgeshire where it appears local thieves are nicking lawns off pensioners - the sods! Let’s hope someone grasses them up and we can turf them in prison!

Read the full story here!

What can I say? Nobody knows how he’s managed it, least of all him probably, but our John has been having a two year affair with a woman 24 years his junior. The woman in question, Tracy Temple, really must have been wowed by John’s ‘honourable member’, because it surely can’t have been his wit and conversational skills.? This revelation has forced Mr Prescott to admit that he is in fact 67, so please, I implore you John - retire, now! Thank you.

According to Inspire magazine, a nurse called Jesus who works in Huddinge hospital, Stockholm, has been told to change his name. Apparently his bosses thought that if patients were told that “Jesus will be along to see you soon“, then they might get the wrong idea. Jesus will now go by his middle name - Manuel.

How much do you pay for your haircut? Are you a tightwad like me who only shells out £7.50 four times a year, or are you prepared to cough up many times that amount for the privilege of having it done in a classy salon? Cherie Blair, it seems, thinks that £7.50 is not nearly enough to spend on a trim. £7,700 is apparently an entirely reasonable amount of money to spend on your hair during an election period. Plus, she had? the cheek to try and claim it all back off the Labour Party as an expense! So, what do we reckon?

? You’re right, I feel sick too.

It’s the news that few people were waiting for or care about - Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have had a baby daughter. The press release was short and mercifully free of scientology terminology. We don’t know if Katie was bound and gagged so she couldn’t make any noise. We don’t know if Tom munched on the placenta, as he had promised to do. We do however know the name of the poor unfortunate child, which is Suri. We’ve been told that this means ‘princess’ in Hebrew and ‘red rose’ in Persian. What they have failed to mention, though, is that in Japanese the name means ‘pickpocket‘.

Captain Scorn returns from smiting stupidity in lands afar…

Now we can find out, once and for all, who is the smartest, fastest, hardest, most butt-kickingly brilliant? Pope of all time! If you want to find out, simply endulge in a game or two of Pope Trumps. That’s right, Top Trumps has gone ultra religious, allowing you to wage war against your friends with only John-Paul’s giant crucifix and bubble car to? aid you. Wondering what the categories might be? ‘Distance from Pope’s birthplace to Rome’ is, apparently, a crucial one.

Crack Found on Governor’s Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that’s taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[Ya think?!]

Cold Wave Linked  to Temperatures  Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds  Up New Bridges
[You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[He probably IS the battery charge]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group  Astronaut Takes  Blame for Gas  in Spacecraft
[That’s what he gets for eating those beans!]  

Kids Make Nutritious  Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]  

Local High School  Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued  by 7 Foot Doctors

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through  Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

At last, a sticker to cover the entire CF postcode with, and vent frustrations at annoying neighbours. I’ve definitely got a few places I’d like to leave this. I really wish I’d thought of it myself…..

Do the puzzle and then vote whether Sarcasmo ought to don this headgear while smiting down his enemies!!

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