Crack Found on Governor’s Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that’s taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[Ya think?!]

Cold Wave Linked  to Temperatures  Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds  Up New Bridges
[You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[He probably IS the battery charge]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group  Astronaut Takes  Blame for Gas  in Spacecraft
[That’s what he gets for eating those beans!]  

Kids Make Nutritious  Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]  

Local High School  Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued  by 7 Foot Doctors

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through  Cemetery; Hundreds Dead