Cats are no longer safe up trees. “Meeow, is that a bird, is it a plane, oh b*ll*cks! It’s Superdog!”

Recently I went on holiday and set my out of office autoreply as the following

Hi there,

Thanks for emailing. I’m off visiting my insane family and then my sister-in-law. If I survive my parents’ boring stories and my sister-in-law’s vegan cookery then I’ll respond to your email on my return (which will be Tuesday 18 April).
Or if you have something really important to convey and it can’t wait, then you can contact [my co-workers names & email addresses].
 
You can probably tell that I really need this break!

Lots of love,
[my secret identity, job title etc.]

When I got back I found out that in my absence the powers that be had changed my autoreply message to something much more boring. But they weren’t quite quick enough because I also had this email waiting for me from web marketing guru Michael Katz:

Let me just say that yours was the best vacation message I’ve ever read!

May I use it in one of my future newsletters as an example?

All the best,

Michael

Seeing a potential fifteen seconds of fame I, of course, said yes. What I didn’t realise was that Mike was going to print my name and the organisation I work for in his web-marketing email which goes out to thousands of discerning people, including my boss and our entire web team. The funny thing was I’d already been told off for setting up an “unprofessional” message and now here was one of the world’s top marketing guys raving about it.
A few weeks later some minutes came round from one of the more boring operations meetings. Right at the end was a note saying that from now on staff would have to set up a standard out of office reply. We now have that, written directly from the Executive Director’s office…
Now you might think I’d be bitter about this, but I’m not. Why? Because now I can put on my CV, in all honesty, the following: “During my time at the organisation, I played an important role in shaping the corporate culture with regard to professionalism in communications.” I could take a lie detector test, say that, and pass. (Of course, I don’t know which job would make me take a lie detector test at the interview, but that’s a whole different fettle of kish!)

Just to prove that you can find anything, and I mean ANYTHING, on the Web, here’s a great collection of cats that look a little bit like Hitler. Enjoy.

I might not be welsh, but I’m sure the majority of fathers in wales wouldn’t appreciate woolworths suggestions….

In a way there’s something quite appealing about taking a Jedi master out for a walk. He can levitate his own poop into a turd-bin for a start!!

Gents with ’shrinking willy syndrome’ might want to avoid these loos in New Zealand…

The van carrying sheep in front is a Toyota

Photo skillfully taken by The Logicster

No sheep were harmed in the taking of this picture (although they’re probably all chops on the shelves of Asda by now)

Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they aren’t looking. Or put them all in one person’s cart while they’re distracted.

Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. Move on an aisle and do the same thing to all the kitchen timers.

Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, ‘Code 3 in aisle 10??? and see what happens.

Go the Service Desk and ask if they can put a bag of M&M’s away for you to buy later.

Move a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you’ll invite them in if they’ll bring pillows from the bedding department.

When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone????

Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

Use a baguette as a make-believe lightsaber. Don’t forget the humming noise as you kill imaginary baddies. If a member of staff asks you to stop, throw them another baguette and say ‘The force is strong with you, young one, but I will be your master!??? Then, attack.
Ask the in-store pharmacist for the largest quantity of strong painkillers you can have. Then ask if they sell anti- depressants over the counter.

Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming either the “Mission Impossible” or the ‘James Bond??? theme.

In the kitchen department, practice your “Madonna look” using different size funnels.

Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say “PICK ME!” “PICK ME!”

Practice your ten pin bowling with a watermelon. If questioned ask the clerk: ‘How else am I supposed to tell if it’s fresh???? with a derisive snort.
When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, curl up in a foetal position and scream “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”

And; last, but not least!
Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, “Hello? Hello? There’s no toilet paper in here!”

The sony bravia advert, has been the source of much controversy in our house. You know, the one where all those powerballs are lobbed down a steep hill in San Francisco? Was it cgi, wasn’t it? Well, it turns out it was real, not that I ever thought different. But it provides material for a spoof.

This is top notch. You might also notice that the Swansea North Residents Association website, Brecon Beacon Herald and Swansea Press sites are all owned by the advertising company which promote the product in said advert.

I don’t create, I disseminate

Shamelessly stolen from Late Edition…